“Ohhh, my devotions this morning . . . ” – the words I texted to a best friend this morning.
I’ve been loving each day’s words in “New Morning Mercies” by Paul David Tripp, but today’s spoke so clearly to my heart that I decided to write a post about it – for those of you in a similar chapter of your story, and for myself to reference in the days ahead.
Yesterday, a memory popped up of exactly one year ago. I was heading to my first evaluation of my first private client. I looked so happy and so “me.” I saw it as I was getting ready to take myself on a Friday Night date. Part of me felt sad – about the differences between that “me” and this “me.” Part of me felt that observing both sides of me was pretty cool. But most of me felt confused – like, “Who the heck am I and what in the world am I supposed to be doing?”
Since my arrival here, these types of thoughts have been swirling in the background of my experience — thoughts about how I was born a “kid-person,” how I loved teaching swim lessons and coaching, how I became a pediatric occupational therapist who works in the schools. My nieces and nephews bring me so much joy. My students are my heart. But in-vitro hasn’t felt right — for me, or for us. Childless as a thirty-something, I started a private practice that quickly took off, and it took off because of how well, by God’s grace, I relate to kids! And now I’m here — doing something totally different, using completely different skills, and strengthening completely different attributes.
What in the world lies in store at the end of this tour? I vulnerably and humbly admit that I don’t have a clue.
With those “background thoughts” resurfaced, I then took myself to a rooftop brewery but ended up spending my time at a picnic table apart from where drinks were permitted. I sat and journaled like a weirdo, while listening to the music of the live band. It was just the amount of external stimulation that I was looking for instead of being home alone, but I left regretting not going to the actual brewery because I really do love their beer! Anyway, I came home and poured myself a glass while watching Daisy Jones and The Six.
I don’t drink much here, and I know that the scripture I read today has to do with sobriety in both a direct and more global sense of the word, but I believe last night’s experience and reflections were on purpose for what He had in store for me to read and grasp today – to make it abundantly clear.
Anyway, I poured myself a glass of what’s become my favorite craft beer here, because it was a Friday night and I wanted one. But I didn’t like it! I drank it, but kept wondering why it tasted weird.
I poured a different one, but from a different brewery, for the second, hour-long episode of my show, because I simply wanted a good-tasting, Friday Night beer — but I didn’t like it either! After only one sip, I poured it down the kitchen sink!
I enjoyed the show and, after talking to Jordan, went to bed late. I woke up this morning without the need for an alarm, and then read this:
I couldn’t deny how directly it relates to the thoughts playing in the background of my head last night — playing in the background of my head for the past four months.
I read the first two lines and then, literally, sat back in my chair, closed my eyes, and tilted my chin up with a smile.
I proceeded to read the rest of the page, and then read these related verses:
“For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him . . . and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Now, brothers and sisters, about times and dates we do not need to write you, for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, ‘Peace and safety,’ destruction will come on them suddenly, as labor pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape.
But you, brothers and sisters, are not in darkness, so that this day should surprise you like a thief. You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died so that whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
It’s okay that I’m confused about my future — I can still rest in peace, knowing that my future is secure.
I don’t know what my future holds — but it will be better than what I’m capable of planning for myself.
I’m not lost — He holds my future in “his wise, powerful, and gracious hands.”
He brought me here, to Falls Church, VA, to sober me up — literally and metaphorically — and to awaken me to Him, so that I would not be “asleep” when He arrives. So that I would not miss His glory. So that I would not miss out on the plans He has in store for me.
He brought me here on purpose . . . to do exactly what He is doing, in me. He’s pruning me. He’s pulling the weeds. He’s shaping.
My new motto: Life is a ride and I’m here for it. I’m riding it, and trusting Him with each hill and every sharp turn. Day by day, I hope to loosen my grip — to more completely trust the security belt across my lap (1 Peter 1:5) — and let go, to ride it with two hands in the air.
The end of my story is secure — and glorious. More glorious than I can grasp.