And I’m off!
Goodness gracious, I can’t believe the day is here! The day I’ve been anticipating for a LONG time, my five week departure for Officer Development School (ODS), has arrived.
And my mother-in-law brought me to attention to the fact that it was a year ago ON THIS DAY that Jordan received his badge from the Columbus Police Department. Wow, God has a funny sense of timing. Not only that, as my plane readied to board, “Lucky” by Jason Mraz (our wedding song) started playing! No joke!! Yep, little whispers . . . little whispers . . .
Anyway, yesterday was crazy. I went through a complete whirlwind of emotions that I definitely did not expect. As I sat to write and reflect on them, my words got a little lengthy. So here you have a brief post that I published while waiting during my layover.
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After three hours of sleep, I woke at five in the morning with an idea in my head for my logo/watermark/trademark/copyright/whatever for ColorfullyEnthused* — after tossing and turning for an hour, I got up to start creating. Of course, my iPad Pro was dead (and that thing takes FOREVER to charge), so I sipped my Black Rifle Coffee, had meaningful conversation with a forever friend, and read an amazing chapter in “Chasing Vines” by Beth Moore about the beautiful struggle of “life in the soil” (Luke 8:11-15) (which makes me think of Darryl Worley’s “Awful Beautiful Life” song).
Beth reminds that “some variety of dying precedes resurrection living” and writes “You are a planting of the Lord, and your soil is a blend of elements He is using to grow you in symbiotic cooperation with the absolute necessities of sun and rain. All sorts of conditions are being orchestrated over your head and under your feet to enhance your growth, and much of it is beyond the vision of your naked eye.” The chapter went on to cause much joyful reflection of how God has used the turmoils of my life to elicit growth, produce fruit, and strengthen my relationship with Him. (Ps. I do not believe God causes bad things; I believe that life on earth and Satan’s role on earth causes bad things and that God, the ultimate orchestrator, orchestrates them for our good . . . if we allow Him).
Anyway, that hour was necessary. God probably laughed, watching me from His throne, when I muttered a bad word under my breath upon discovering my dead iPad; He had something better in store.
The rest of the day was a bit of a roller coaster. I didn’t understand why I kept bursting into tears — with three cancellations and rescheduling of Officer Development School (ODS) due to COVID — I’d been diligently preparing FOR THIS DAY for a year! In the weeks leading up to this day, I’d been feeling strong, level-headed, and ready to go! Where in the world were my tears coming from?
Thanks to recently heard words in a Ted Talk from Susan David, Ph. D., I decided to pay attention to how I was feeling. The reason for my multiple outbursts was obviously due to a combination of things.
One, the onset of pleurisy on Monday freaked me out. It was something I had little control over. I had done everything I could to mentally and physically prepare. I was mad. With this, I had to let go and trust God. He will not fail me.
Also, all who know me know that I love structure. I’m aware that the military is very structured and that my days away will be full of structure. However, the unknowns that lie ahead of me are plenty. I’ve never traveled alone before — heck, I’ve only ridden alone in an Uber a couple of times. I haven’t been apart from Jordan for five weeks since the early years of college and I’ve never left my anxious pup for anywhere near this amount of time. I have no idea what to expect, except one thing that my brother-in-law has continually reminded me: “Expect to be surprised!” So many unknowns. I am fearful, of course I am — but with courage I will walk. With my head up and my heart strong (cue Ben Howard).
Lastly and mostly, I was overwhelmed by how many people have made a point to stop by and see me or reach out to me — I was amazed by the words they chose in their texts, calls, messages, and cards. Unexpected tears began rolling down my cheeks at the end of each exchange. I feel seen, seen in a way that I’m not sure I’ve experienced before. I feel supported. I realize now that although I’d be totally sufficient with God alone, it actually ISN’T just God and me — not this time around. I have a pack. A pack of two boys who will be waiting for me at home and a larger pack of people who want to do life with me, who believe in me and are cheering for me. It feels similar (yet on a different scale) to when I took the loping test in Tucson and saw my girlfriends in the stands. It feels so good to be cheered for; I hope each of my cheerleaders know at least a fraction of how much their cheering means to me and I hope they see me as one of their cheerleaders too.
About fifteen hours following the start of my day, after talking through all of the rational logic behind my emotional instability with both Jordan and a great friend (and just in time for Ohio State‘s big game — and WIN! — against Clemson), I rediscovered my grounding. My strength returned — and I believe it returned even greater than it had been in the weeks past.
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Thank you, God. Thank you for feelings and for what they teach us about ourselves when we pay attention to them. Thank you for the opportunity to put my trust in You in a different way than I have before. You have my lungs in your hands. Whether You choose to heal them or assist me in persevering through the pain, You will not fail me; I am Yours and You are mine. Father, thank you for the adventure that awaits me! I praise you for all of the unknowns! I choose to courageously anticipate the inevitable surprises with faith that they will help me grow, as a United States Sailor and as a woman of God. Thank you, thank you, thank you for showing me just how supported I am. Thank you for the incredible people You’ve brought into my life, whose belief in me strengthens my belief in myself. God, I know that “Officer Development School” isn’t the hardest thing in the world. I totally GET that the veterans I claim as friends had it MUCHHHHH harder. But God, I know that this will be hard for me. Personally, this is the hardest thing I will have ever set out to do. Lord, I put my trust in You. Let’s do this!
Becky says
Ashlee,
Thank you for sharing your heart and your vulnerability, for sharing your fears and your ultimate trust in God. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, that we may experience vicariously through you. God bless. Becky (the other Mrs. Schmitt 🤣)
aschmittOTRL says
Aww, you are so welcome, Becky! I’m glad that you enjoyed it. Stay tuned; I’m going to do my best to take notes throughout my experience and will share them here too! — Ashlee —